Saturday, December 3, 2011

fuck life.

after being with you you really made me think that i'm not good enough for anyone and i can't be the same person i used to be. you made me believe all of that and i still do. each time i think i'm over it and going to go back to how i used to be, i freeze up, i get nervous and i just remember how you made me feel and i just think to myself, he's right, i'm not good enough, i'm not pretty enough, i'm not young enough. you really got that to stick in my mind. no matter how many people tell me i'm beautiful, i'm worth it, i still wont believe it. it's just something about your first love that gets to you i guess.

Monday, November 28, 2011

put it in the past.

you're still on my mind half the time. i don't want you to be there but you are and i can't get you out. you're messing with my mind again and i'm not letting you. not this summer. this is my summer to be free from people like you, to make better memories and to let go and move on. not to find someone but to hopefully come across someone who wants to be with me and doesn't make me feel like i'm constantly not good enough and the only way he would tell me that is by hurting me. not this time. no time like the present 

Wednesday, October 5, 2011


it's funny looking back and realising who you thought were your close friends and who aren't. finding out what people are willing to hurt you even when they said they couldn't. there's reasons why i forgive some people but for the others, there's just no acception. it's not fair having to loose your friends over one silly person, but now it's just getting annoying. when it happens now there's just no friendship left no matter what, i just can't deal with the drama anymore. trying to get someone out of my life, that means having to get rid of everything that may bring up the past and the hurt that person gave you. tbh, i feel like i have no real friends anymore just because of the amount of times this has gone on. too far, not fair.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

you're just a vacant memory.

i find myself talking about you without realising. i need to stop. i want to let go but i just don't know how. i don't want you or anything like that it's just, i still don't get what's going on, why things have happened the way they have. you're a real fucking unit. i just want you out of my life. i want my old life back. i want my friends back. because of you i lost everything. fuck you. please, just get out of my life. i hate you. ugh.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

who knows.

i still feel as if i can't put my emotions down to words, i feel as if i have to act out how i want even though no one notices me. i feel as if everyone only wants to see the angry side of me so even if i did one thing nice, there would be no acknowledgement, just judgement from the bad things. i'm sick of being alone and the constant feeling of worrying if i'll end up all alone. i used to have such high hopes for myself, maybe a little bitchy but that didn't stop me from being happy. now i only feel lucky if someone looks at me and maybe smiles. i'm sick of feeling this way. the truth is.. i don't wanna leave school because i feel as if i do then i'll just drift away because it's not like iv'e been apart of a group, i've never fitted in anywhere. it's just hard. i want to feel like i'll be remembered or wanted by others. i feel as if no one will want me in their lives anymore, not that i really have been this year because so much shit has gone down. just, losing everything really starts getting to you.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

dreams are free.

I've dreamt about you for the past few nights. does that mean anything? my dreams sort of scared me. we were together but we weren't. you were different. things happened that never happened within our relationship. the place we were at. the feelings towards each other. one of my dreams was, i wanted you and you, well you wanted me but didn't. you were being the guy i never thought you'd become. the one you promised on our relationship and on everything else, using me for things. you were almost running away. i don't understand. dreams are hard to remember but feelings definitely came back. i don't know what's happening to me. why i can't move on? i honestly never thought i'd have to live without you and watch you with someone else. it's been so long. i guess i've gotten used to everything but i haven't gotten over you. i miss us. i hope you do too.

thank you Soph.

"cause you meant just what he means to you one time. the feelings he had for you will never change. the good thoughts will always be there, the memories.. nothing can change the past. he will never forget what you two had and there will be things that make him think of you daily. a part of him will always love you. if you were both each others first love then noone else, not ----- , not any other girl  will receive the full love from him. he will always have you in his heart." this really opened my eyes. i read it every night. it makes me feel better and think that maybe he's feeling the same. i know how much he hurt me and i shouldn't be thinking about him but i can't help it. the love i had for him was unbelievable. i wish our relationship didn't end how it did. i've accepted it and moved on, i guess i just miss they way you held me and kissed me and told me all those cute things. i suppose they're all for her now. </3

i don't know how to be something you'll miss.

i want you to miss me. i want you to think of me before you go to sleep and when you wake up. i want you to randomly text me. you have moved on but when she dumped you, you came to me. what is that supposed to mean. you told me time and time again that it will always be me. that you'll never stop loving me. but can you really love two people at once? people think i'm over you, i'm not really too sure. i could just be missing the relationship we had. the emotional and physical. the depth of our love. the reason for living. for doing anything was because of you. you've hurt me more than possible, i shouldn't even be talking about you or even thinking about you because you probably don't even care about me. i don't know what to do. i want answers. i need to be told what to do. i need help. i want someone to tell me that i will be okay. someone to be there for me like she was for you. i just need someone to take my mind off of you. </3 i'm still broken.

Monday, July 18, 2011


i can't live like this any longer. i can't handle the screaming and shouting. the loneliness, the being along. the insecurities. all of it. i can't take it anymore. i need something, i don't know exactly what but something or someone is missing. who knows knows. but i'm lost. that's all i can say.

Friday, July 15, 2011


i sit here crying, by myself. i feel so lonely. so unwanted. i don't wanna be here any more. i don't wanna live. i just want someone to care but no one does. so why should i be here? i see everyone having so much fun while i sit at home alone. all alone. always fucking alone. why doesn't someone want to be with me? not like bf, gf but just be with me. i've never been like this before. i feel like i can't get out. no one will help me. i've been put aside. what do i do.


i just want to feel wanted.

get me out.

i can't see myself getting out of this. this lifeless, endless pit of nothing. i don't see my life going anywhere. i don't see me getting happy any time soon. i just want to go away and stay away. it will be better for everyone. no one kills to have me in their life. i'm not a nice and happy person all the time. in fact that's never going to happen. i can't pretend to be happy when i'm not. i don't understand what happened. i don't know why i am like this. i never chose for it to be like this. i want out. if i could leave, i would say yes. save everyone from having me around any longer.

the ugly duckling.

i don't want this anymore. everyone has their own groups. i don't fit in anywhere. i never have. i don't know how to help myself. i sit at home everyday and cry over how my life is going nowhere. how all of the friends i used to have are going on to do better things. i would kill for that. i'm going nowhere. i don't know what to do. i wish someone wanted me in their life.

i miss my old life.

2 years ago today i was at my friends 16th birthday party with one of my best friends. the guy i fell in love with and who had just asked me out the day before wasn't invited so he was with other friends. 2 years ago i had so many friends. today is her 18th and i'm not invited. i have hardly any friends. the guy i still seem to possibly love is with someone else and has all of the friends that were once mine. i miss my life. i wish things never ended up like this. i would have never guessed. everyone hates me. i wanna get out of here. people will soon forget who i am but still, that's better than being hated by people who were once your friends.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

that feeling..

have you ever had that feeling when, the one person you really like, walks past you like they never even knew who you were. like you weren't even in their life, even if it was the shortest amount of time? yeah. i get it quite a lot. more frequently. some girl ran up to you and gave you the biggest hug i'd seen someone give anyone. i wished it was me doing that. i hate being jealous. you aren't even mine. i shouldn't care but i do. people tell me that he's the one missing out. but if he is, then why isn't he chasing me?

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

how can i make it stop

i thought i was done. i thought i was over you. i guess not. the tears that came streaming down my face last night, were because of you. you surprised me. you didn't change for me but you did for her. i thought first loves were always gonna want each other but for the first time, i see you actually don't want me. you're really trying for her like you never did for me. you have something me and you only had for a littlest amount of time. trust. i gotta say, i am jealous. i want the happiness and the love. i miss that. i miss a lot of things. i don't feel like i'm getting stronger, i feel like i'm getting weaker. i still don't understand how this is so easy for you. questions pop into my head all the time. is she keeping your mind of me etc. but i'll never know. i'll never know what you're really thinking and really wanting. it needs to stop. i wanna let go like you did. i need to get away and sort myself out. you've changed me. i don't like it. i can't handle this.

Monday, July 11, 2011

get me through this pain.

i need to get over you. it's so hard. i see you most days. you smile at me, you get my attention, you try and talk to me and it brings back the tiniest of feelings. you have a girlfriend and have had one for about a month. how could you move on so fast. even though we are completely over i still have the littlest bit of hope for us. i don't know why, i know i shouldn't. half the time i don't want to but i guess i just miss you. that smile you have on your face, it used to be because of me. the texting through-out class, was to me. i took so much for granted in our relationship. i'm sorry. i just miss you.

Sunday, July 10, 2011


two years ago today my life became a million times better. my heart lit up, my smile went from ear to ear. i don't think i had ever been happier. in fact, i can tell you right now, there has not been any time in my life where i have been happier. you asked me to be your girlfriend. i don't know if i still love you but i know for sure i still like you. it kills me to see you go. i kinda wish we could be together in the future. you made me so happy. letting you go and being by myself really made me appreciate the good memories we had together and throw away the bad. i know that if we started again it would be a fresh start. i'm silly for talking like this. i mean, the amount of times you hurt me but everyone knows you can't just throw away your first love. i miss you.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

ignorance at its worst

"he said he didn't fuck you over even tho he knows it seems like that and that he didnt mean for it to happen this way and his intentions were good but he just feels its better to be friends. i think hes gunah facebook email you" facebook email? are you kidding me? is that all i get after everything. i don't have sex with just any person, they have to mean something to me before they even get close but i guess i'm just another one on your list. thanks for ruining me just that little bit more.

Monday, July 4, 2011

one love.

i sit here crying, over you, once again. i hear all the time that, you never lie to the one you love. that you tell them everything no matter how hard. i guess you never loved me. i was so madly in love with you. i was blind. you let me go so easy.

i've reached the bottom.

i'm punching walls, swearing at my parents, going to counselling. i don't know what's happening to me. why am i such a bitch. why do people hate me so much. i just want to feel wanted and to fit in for once.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

take me away.

it's a great feeling when i come online and there's a group with my name on it "fuck look at that hamps witch, nan that's chelsea arlidge" and to make it even better, 113 people have liked it. i have never felt so unwanted and not good enough in my entire life. i thought it was over. that people had moved on, but i guess not. i haven't done anything to deserve this. and people wonder why i get mad so easily. i'm probably the most insecure person i know and i hate it. i cry every night. no one gets what it feels like. being hated and feeling lonely constantly. fearing each day but having to go through it anyway. my family thinks i'm just over reacting and to just keep going but no one gets that feeling of hate when you can feel it even by walking past someone or even into a room of people. i hate myself. i hate the way people think of me. people tell you not to change for a person but in cases like this, i feel it's the only way to get out. to  be someone i'm not.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

you'll never change.

i keep coming across random pictures of you. i can't help but get upset. you're gone. missing you hurts so much. i can't do anything about it.i have to let it slide. why did you have to come into my life just to fuck me over. you made everyone hate me. i can't go near anyone without you being there. i have to sacrifice so much just to stay away from you. i wanna get away, start over.


so after the cute texts, the late nights together you chose to tell your mates "fuck the bitch, been there, done that" i heard it. word for word and you have nothing to say. you don't care, you never did. you haven't explained to me. you're a fucking idiot. i wish i i never listened to everyone else when they told me you liked me.


i don't think i can take this for much longer. the pain of missing you. knowing you're with someone else. knowing you're making her happy like you did with me. i know i've done the right thing and let you go but i can't help but miss the way you kissed me, texted me and even cried to me about everything. i miss the little things. i wish you cared for me the way i cared for you. the ball was last night. i cried once i got home just because last year you were there and this year you've just disappeared. i don't understand how you can just let me go. after everything you said to me. you were once perfect. what's happened?

Sunday, June 26, 2011

glad to see you happy.

i admit, i miss you each day. i don't know how you find it so easy. you used to be so sweet. i know you hurt me more than ever but i still miss you. i hope you realise how good i was for you. you moved on so fast. i'm so stupid, i should have let go a long long time ago. i would've saved myself the pain and all the anger. the friends i've lost we're never true. the ones i've gained are my only true friends. i hope you notice how much i am better off without you. i guess you're the guy i can just always go back to because of how much i loved you. i think you used to love me but no longer do, and that hurts. i don't really know how to deal with things because you were always there and now, all of a sudden, out of the blue, you're just, gone. moving on has never been so hard. never hurt the ones you love i'll live by that. i wish you loved me. we were so messed up.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

i need answers.

you were the one that was meant to stay. you were meant to be mine. we were meant to be together like you said. maybe you should make the effort to talk to me instead of blaming me. i get all choked up and nervous around you and would say something stupid. it's never me and you alone and when it is it's so good. i can't stop smiling but i guess we'll never get that time anymore? just tell me to move on, please. i don't wanna wait for something that may not happen.

am i doing something wrong?

every fucking time. just as i get to be so happy, it all falls apart. it's like after you, i'm not meant to be happy. karma i guess. you always get what you want. just one time, just one, that's all i'm asking for. to let me be happy. you're holding something back, i don't know what it is. no one will tell me. so help me through this if you wanna be with me like you said you did because i feel completely stupid waiting around right now.

quit. yes? no?

i feel horrible. i haven't felt like this in a while and you just keep bringing it back. it's like you don't know what you want. i can't handle this. being ignored. having problems and you wont even talk to me about them. i feel used, unwanted and once again, not good enough. i love how you can make me feel this so easily. hope you feel good about yourself.

Monday, June 20, 2011

fuck this.

i'm so lost. you're back to this with me and i don't know why :( you aren't talking to me and don't wanna see me. i heard because it's awkward but why? how? you never talk to me anyway. wtf happened. nothing ever works out for me now. better start getting used to it.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

i haven't been this happy in so long! you make me smile even by the littlest of things. if you look at me, i'll smile. if you send me a pointless text, i'll smile. when i see you, even for the shortest moment, i'll smile. you kissed me today, i'm still smiling. i've missed this feeling so much. i don't want it to go away. so please don't leave. you're starting to leave a mark.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

happiness at last.

last night you made me so happy. you told me you want to be with me. my face lit up, my smile wouldn't go away. it felt like i was dreaming. thank you!

Monday, June 13, 2011

i like you more than i planned.

you don't realise how much i've really been through, you can't treat me like this. i have to know. things like this is the reason i have trust issues. you've seen me cry because of someone else, you said sorry for me, why couldn't you tell me this. i mean even if we aren't together it's still a huge deal :/ you made me cry. you must mean something to me. Even the slightest bit 

completely lost.

so i have to find out another thing through other people. i get that you "don't wanna loose me" or "don't wanna hurt me" but honestly i have been through all of that before and i would rather be hurt by the truth than happy in a lie. i thought you would have known. you're moving. what the fuck am i supposed to do now. you go and have to make me all happy and then i get told you have to leave. was your plan from the start. thanks a bunch.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

all i wanted.

i probably had one of the best nights i've had in a long time! the hugs and kisses. your eyes, your smile made me melt. you looked at me, you told me i have beautiful eyes. you kissed me constantly and told me you really liked kissing me. you would grab my hand and put my fingers between yours and your other arm around me. those hugs are so nice. these feelings are mutual. i can't get enough. :)

Thursday, June 9, 2011


what hurts the most; finding out that you're fighting guys for another girl. i remember when you did that for me. i felt so safe and happy because you were so caught up on keeping me to yourself. whenever i did it for you, you hated me. i don't understand. why are you doing this? i can already tell you love her now. thanks for nothing.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

who are you.

each weekend you seem to text me saying "chels". every time i reply i say "fuck you" or anything along those lines and you say sorry then you'll text me again later. occasionally i text you back wondering what's up and why you have to text me. you ask me questions. you talked to me in class for the whole lesson last week, you said you hadn't talked to me in a while and kinda wondered what i'd been upto. you said goodbye and gave me a heart filled smile. it brought back memories, it made me smile but my heart knows i can't go there any more. it really upsets me to see you walk away and to be so satisfied with yourself. i don't know you any more. a week or two before that you told me how you felt and what you thought each time i walked past. it was so sweet, i really missed that but who knows, you could have been lying? you knew i missed you and still had something there for you. i don't know who you are. i really wish you'd spend time on your own to figure it out. cos i'd really like to know.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

i shouldn't care.

hearing your name makes me cringe, hearing your voice makes me want to scream. i saw pictures of you with her, what i felt was hopefully nothing? my stomach dropped as i was coming across those pictures but the funny thing was that you both didn't look happy, you looked awkward and uncomfortable. i guess it was because you were with other people. i don't know what to think. i'm so happy i'm moving on because now i don't have to worry. what i expect, ends up happening because you're so predictable it's horrible. you and her, perfect couple because you're both fucked in the head. i don't even understand. you're so fucked up. hurry up and leave tauranga already. that will be the happiest day of my life.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

now look what you've lost.

i'd rather be hurt by the truth than happy with a lie. good one.

what's going on..

i wanna tell you something right now but you're not around, i don't know the truth about what happened with you and him but still it doesn't seem to bother me because I'm not with him now. i don't trust you but i miss you. i wanna bitch to you, i wanna have crazy conversations with you again. you were my best friend. we've lied to each other and hurt each other but friends obviously do that. no ones perfect, i know for sure I'm not. we'll see.

Monday, May 30, 2011

what the hell just happened.

you left me completely speechless. all of a sudden it's like, we never even met. we'll give each other a look from time to time but when i look at you it's like, who are you now? i remember you from somewhere but I'm not sure where. that's how it is. our relationship must have been a lie to you. each memory comes back to me day by day. I'm afraid of being alone because i think more into it than you ever will. you've wiped me off your mind. I'm no longer there. i don't understand. you were so different. where did i go wrong? where did we go wrong? i have to tell you the truth, i definitely miss you. i do love you. i'll always have something there for you. but as long as we're clear, you cannot hurt me anymore. you've done all the damage. I'm able to move on now. i feel free but a little stuck. you've kept me from doing things i want to do. it really hurts how things turned out but i guess it's for the best. you mind fucked me. i don't even understand why you would do such a thing to someone you supposedly love? i mean, you're the only person I'm comfortable with, the only person who i miss each day. and now, you've found someone else and I'm sitting in the dust wondering what went wrong. ignoring me is your new way of getting into my head. I'm learning not to care, it works some days and other days everything just gets to me. i hope you realize what you've done to me and realize i treated you the best i could. all the fights, well that was because i loved you so much. i was jealous because you were mine and seeing you smile because of someone else, well that just really got to me. and as it turns out, you gave me every reason not to trust you. i still feel like I'm not good enough. you ruined me. there's things i regret and thing's i don't but to be perfectly honest. i do not regret our relationship at all. you taught me so much. you taught me happiness and love but you also taught me how to realize what is good and what is bad. so i thank you. i hope to see you around sometime but right now, i never wanna see you again. cunt.

Monday, May 23, 2011

it hurts.

i can't stop thinking about you. i should have stopped this a long time ago. my heart keeps racing. trying to get over you is probably the hardest thing i've ever had to do. while we were going out, i never thought for one second that i would get jealous or find it this hard to see you walk away. i hate this feeling but it's going stay for a long time i can tell. it's driving me insane. i can't believe you would hurt me like you did. you don't even care. i fell in love with this amazing guy and now you're a total pot head. i don't understand. but i guess letting go is the best way to deal with it. i wish it wasn't like this!!!!! :(

Sunday, May 22, 2011

I need help.

I'm scared to talk to anyone, I'm scared to go to school. i feel like I'm only okay when i am alone. I've lost almost all of my friends. i need to get away from here. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared to open my mouth because I'm at least offending someone without realising. i don't know what it is. all the gossip, i don't know why. i guess i don't know how to fit in and i get nervous so i talk about the first thing that pops into my head, bad or not. i just can't make anyone understand me. i can't talk to someone about it because i end up in tears and i can't handle that any more. I knew I'm a bitch but i never thought that it'd come to this. I hate my life. I'm not a nice person at all. No one should like me. I would rather sit in my room crying than loose more people that are close to me.

it's been so long.

so i really liked you and i still do. it's like your playing hard to get, i don't wanna play any more. i got told by your best mate that you still like me but how can you just let it slide? i don't chat up other guys? why would you not ask me yourself? you already don't trust me and we haven't even started anything. i get told you don't have a reason why you don't talk to me by someone else. I feel like I'm wasting my time. can you tell me I'm not? :/

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

yeah well!

i have this group of friends, i can open up to them, i can be myself and say whatever the hell i want and they get me. they know when i'm serious or sarcastic. they get me. i appreciate them in every way. this is it. the only group who has accepted me for me because they get me like i get them. i love being in their group. i get excited for school because i know that i have them to talk to. i've never had that before. it's taken me all of my school life to find people like this. i've floated around most groups and haven't found the right one. my group now, well, some may be my age and the rest younger but that doesn't bother me. they are the only people who are more mature and understand what goes on in this crazy world like me. i love them. :)

Monday, May 16, 2011


kindy was where we met. ever since day one, we have been best friends, even though we hated each other. we've had our fights, in every way but that wouldn't tear us apart. you're apart of my family like i am yours. you've helped me through almost everything. every photo has a story behind it. every time we hang out, something crazy happens. i've never had a friend who's stuck by as long as you have. you understand me in every way. you agree and disagree with the same things i do. we've been in each others lives for almost 15 years and i hope you're around for so much longer, i couldn't stand to loose you again. you're pretty much my sister :)

the little things.

"we need ta hang out more.x" "do we now? :P x" "fukn a! :P x" "hahaha okay :) x" i haven't had a smile on my face like this in such a long time! :D

Sunday, May 15, 2011

thank you

everything leaves my mind when you talk to me. everything bad and only the good memories stay. this all because of you. just a simple smile or a little 'x' makes my whole world light up. i haven't felt like this in a while. this smile has been wiped from my face a thousand times and just you, you've managed to bring it back. i'm glad we started talking.

letting go isn't that easy.

there will come a day when i won't think, miss or wonder about you anymore but i guess today wont be it.

Saturday, May 14, 2011


so, you rung me last night, crying, telling me that you love me and miss me so much and wanted me to come see you. i was shocked to hear you say that but i didn't say anything back. but then i hear you rung up her and told her you love her. seriously, you need to go die in a hole. or at least leave the country.. forever! that really hurts. after everything, you love her? in all honesty, you have some serious problems.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

tired of trying.

so, i like you, obviously. and i've been told you like me too. yet, there's no texts, no talking, no looking to or at each other. what am i to do? i text you most days. my friends talk to you, i try talk to you at parties cos i'm shy otherwise but now, i get nothing. people say it's because of my ex but he's not with me anymore. i thought that would help but i guess not. i don't know what i've done but i do like you. and i kinda, sorta, really, maybe,  i dunno, miss you?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


you were sneaky, conniving and so much more, but worse. you made me believe anything you wanted me to believe. you said all the right words and did all the right things. but at the same time, it was all a lie. a joke to you, as long as you got some you were sweet. to tell you the truth, i think you and her are meant for each other, no matter how much you told me you think we are. you two have gone through just about as much as me and you have. the only thing wrong is that she didn't take your virginity, i did. i wish i didn't, well sometimes anyway. but in a way I'm glad i did. you still haven't felt the pain i have. me and her both have. you're still playing us both but i know for a fact that i am not giving in. there is someone out there that is better for me and will treat me how i deserved to be treated. he may not be around the corner but for now i am okay being alone unlike you who has to have someone on the line to be able to make yourself feel better and make yourself think that you did nothing wrong. i am faithful, i am loyal, i am trustworthy, when you treat me like a princess, like you once did. i don't know who you are anymore. you changed and i don't want to know. when you grow up and move on, i hope you will realise what a good thing we had going and wish you never did anything wrong even though you say you regret it but i can clearly see you don't. i didn't think anyone could be this bad. you're a fucking loser. i hope you die alone you worthless black.

3.1.1997 - 9.5.2011

I miss you so much. I wait for you to appear through the window, I wait for you to run to the door when I get home. I miss hearing you run around the house while I'm trying to go to bed, I miss your cute little voice when you want something. 14 years ago, I never thought this would have ever happened, especially to you. You were the one thing that was meant to live forever :( I never knew this out of all things would have happened to you. Out of every possible thing, it was so hard to watch you in pain and out of control, so hard to see you walk around not knowing what's going on, not having a clue of where you are or what you're doing. I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life. It wasn't supposed to end for you like this. But you're in a better place now, without any pain. You are beautiful Tildy, I'm sure Grandy will be looking after you now. It's his turn. We'll be up there soon enough. I love you Matilda. Kitty Cat :) xoxoxoxox

Monday, May 9, 2011

all alone in this world.

so i'm hated at my school, it's year 13, everyone is supposed to have the time of their lives. so i sit their on the sideline watching everyone have all the fun in the world, making all the memories. i've tried to change so people would like me but i can't keep it up when someone goes wrong in my life. i sit on the side and watch the guy i still happen to love, be involved with a younger girl, be involved with all the people i once called my friends too. i did not want to turn out like this. i realise i am a bitch, i realise i am hated by many people. most of the time i would rather sit in a corner by myself, with only my thoughts because i know no one will abuse me, diss me or cuss me out. but there's nothing i can do about that, i can't control other people. i am one person, i'm not the hottest girl, i'm not the nicest girl or the smartest girl around but i am me. so, if you don't like it, then go sit on a bent one because i am done trying pleasing everyone else in my life other than me.

fuck you.

Whenever you turned on your phone it would say "dont you dare lose her!" whenever you came over you'd leave cute little notes on my laptop and texts on my phone straight after you saw me. i can't believe what happened, you told me you would never physically abuse me, now look at yourself. you kicked me into a wall? that makes me sick, i did nothing to deserve that. i'm glad i'm moving on but at the same time, i'm not because i know i will never get those hugs i want everyday or those kisses i pheen for and love to bits, ever again. someone else will make you happy and you'll be their world and they'll be yours. you'll fall in love again but to be perfectly honest. i don't think i could ever love someone else like this again. i'm sorry it had to be like this. i'm sorry you didn't have to guts to tell me the truth. i'm sorry for our relationship falling to pieces even when i couldn't see it. i love you. i hope you're thinking of me when i think of you.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

can you just piss off?!

so you started hanging with her, you chose her over me multiple times and now that everything's over, she's still making my life hell! I haven't done shit to her, I've ignored her and stopped asking her anything that's to do with you because she has no right to talk about you. I don't deserve the shit she's giving me. It's like she's one step ahead of me. Looking back at me and laughing. I don't give a fuck about her so why can't she leave me the hell alone! Fuck sakes, i'm so sick of immature little girls getting in the way of my life and if i look back now, it's all your fault. i'm not young enough or adventurous enough for you, i'm not pretty enough or have money to spend and spend on you like she did. she told her friends how you said she was more fun than me. yeah that fucking hurt, so next time, grow a fucking pair and tell me straight up because i'm so sick of knowing the truth but hearing all the lies. It's not my fault all i wanted to do was lie down with you and just let you hold me and kiss me but na, wasn't enough for you. i bet you're thinking you wish you did now.

Monday, April 11, 2011

kill me now.

your the guy i want to be with, this is the old you, this is what i've wanted for so long but I'm sorry, you left it too late. i know i'll regret what I'm saying because in fact, i already do. no one deserves to be that upset over someone even after all the shit that's happened. I'm so sorry for how i've talked to you and all the nasty things that have been thrown back and fourth between us. i wanted this for so long. i remember the first time you lied to me, the first time! that was over a year ago and our relationship went down the drain. you promised me it would never happen again and i believed you but secretly i was giving the girl shit, she told me it was all you and i didn't believe it at the start. but then you cheated and i became the biggest bitch. i've never wanted to be angry at another girl over my guy. i never thought i'd become so temperamental and jealous but because i loved you so damn much, i wanted you all to myself, i didn't wanna sit around and watch you make someone else happy. it sucked but I'm sorry it happened. i blame myself, being mad at you and upsetting you all the time but maybe, in time we can try again when we start to rebuild the trust which is lost because right now, my trust is never to be found for you again.

someone help me through this pain.

so i dont want this to be a repeat of the first time this happened. when i ended it with you once before because of another girl, you blamed me and went off with her and that cut me so deep, i tried to forget about it and i was okay cos i thought i knew what was going on. then i ended it with him because of you, you came back into my life, bad timing. i hadn't gotten over you like you had with me. this isn't okay. i found out everything and you never gave me the time to get over it on my own. you were always there, always. i told you i needed space but i didn't get any. i kinda like someone else even though nothing has happened yet. you keep asking me out and each time i've said no. i never wanted this to happen. i never thought in a million years that this is what you would turn into. i'm not happy. i haven't been for a very long time with you and i just can't take it anymore. you never understood how i felt, you would never know what it's like to be in my position, in this situation, i have never felt more let down by anyone in my whole life. i'm sorry but i think i'm out. fuck!

Thursday, April 7, 2011


you still control me and I'm sick of it, I'm no longer 12 any more, I'm 17. it's always your rules because I live under your roof. if I could have the choice, then I wouldn't live there any more. the reason I sit upstairs and don't say a word to any of you is for this exact reason, YOU PICK FIGHTS! fucking chill the fuck out. I don't have an attitude. YOU DO! you can't fucking handle shit. just because I say something that sounds offensive doesn't mean I really meant it like that. get over yourself. you say I'm not cool.. like your opinion really matters to me? your time is up. you chose to have me so you put up with my attitude because you raised me didn't you.. so isn't the way I act, your fault? duuuuh.


this is weird, in all my life i never thought i would, smoke, do drugs, quit gymnastics, have a boyfriend, have people there for me and put up with me, finish school or anything like that. everything's happened so fast and i don't know what to do with myself? i have no plans, i have no money, i have nothing right now apart from my parents hand outs.


i have a bad attitude towards many things and people constantly think im unhappy or a bitch or have my "period" which im sick of. i want to be happy but it's hard when people bring me down.