what the hell just happened.

you left me completely speechless. all of a sudden it's like, we never even met. we'll give each other a look from time to time but when i look at you it's like, who are you now? i remember you from somewhere but I'm not sure where. that's how it is. our relationship must have been a lie to you. each memory comes back to me day by day. I'm afraid of being alone because i think more into it than you ever will. you've wiped me off your mind. I'm no longer there. i don't understand. you were so different. where did i go wrong? where did we go wrong? i have to tell you the truth, i definitely miss you. i do love you. i'll always have something there for you. but as long as we're clear, you cannot hurt me anymore. you've done all the damage. I'm able to move on now. i feel free but a little stuck. you've kept me from doing things i want to do. it really hurts how things turned out but i guess it's for the best. you mind fucked me. i don't even understand why you would do such a thing to someone you supposedly love? i mean, you're the only person I'm comfortable with, the only person who i miss each day. and now, you've found someone else and I'm sitting in the dust wondering what went wrong. ignoring me is your new way of getting into my head. I'm learning not to care, it works some days and other days everything just gets to me. i hope you realize what you've done to me and realize i treated you the best i could. all the fights, well that was because i loved you so much. i was jealous because you were mine and seeing you smile because of someone else, well that just really got to me. and as it turns out, you gave me every reason not to trust you. i still feel like I'm not good enough. you ruined me. there's things i regret and thing's i don't but to be perfectly honest. i do not regret our relationship at all. you taught me so much. you taught me happiness and love but you also taught me how to realize what is good and what is bad. so i thank you. i hope to see you around sometime but right now, i never wanna see you again. cunt.

it hurts.

i can't stop thinking about you. i should have stopped this a long time ago. my heart keeps racing. trying to get over you is probably the hardest thing i've ever had to do. while we were going out, i never thought for one second that i would get jealous or find it this hard to see you walk away. i hate this feeling but it's going stay for a long time i can tell. it's driving me insane. i can't believe you would hurt me like you did. you don't even care. i fell in love with this amazing guy and now you're a total pot head. i don't understand. but i guess letting go is the best way to deal with it. i wish it wasn't like this!!!!! :(

I need help.

I'm scared to talk to anyone, I'm scared to go to school. i feel like I'm only okay when i am alone. I've lost almost all of my friends. i need to get away from here. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared to open my mouth because I'm at least offending someone without realising. i don't know what it is. all the gossip, i don't know why. i guess i don't know how to fit in and i get nervous so i talk about the first thing that pops into my head, bad or not. i just can't make anyone understand me. i can't talk to someone about it because i end up in tears and i can't handle that any more. I knew I'm a bitch but i never thought that it'd come to this. I hate my life. I'm not a nice person at all. No one should like me. I would rather sit in my room crying than loose more people that are close to me.

it's been so long.

so i really liked you and i still do. it's like your playing hard to get, i don't wanna play any more. i got told by your best mate that you still like me but how can you just let it slide? i don't chat up other guys? why would you not ask me yourself? you already don't trust me and we haven't even started anything. i get told you don't have a reason why you don't talk to me by someone else. I feel like I'm wasting my time. can you tell me I'm not? :/

yeah well!

i have this group of friends, i can open up to them, i can be myself and say whatever the hell i want and they get me. they know when i'm serious or sarcastic. they get me. i appreciate them in every way. this is it. the only group who has accepted me for me because they get me like i get them. i love being in their group. i get excited for school because i know that i have them to talk to. i've never had that before. it's taken me all of my school life to find people like this. i've floated around most groups and haven't found the right one. my group now, well, some may be my age and the rest younger but that doesn't bother me. they are the only people who are more mature and understand what goes on in this crazy world like me. i love them. :)

KK!

kindy was where we met. ever since day one, we have been best friends, even though we hated each other. we've had our fights, in every way but that wouldn't tear us apart. you're apart of my family like i am yours. you've helped me through almost everything. every photo has a story behind it. every time we hang out, something crazy happens. i've never had a friend who's stuck by as long as you have. you understand me in every way. you agree and disagree with the same things i do. we've been in each others lives for almost 15 years and i hope you're around for so much longer, i couldn't stand to loose you again. you're pretty much my sister :)

the little things.

"we need ta hang out more.x" "do we now? :P x" "fukn a! :P x" "hahaha okay :) x" i haven't had a smile on my face like this in such a long time! :D

thank you

everything leaves my mind when you talk to me. everything bad and only the good memories stay. this all because of you. just a simple smile or a little 'x' makes my whole world light up. i haven't felt like this in a while. this smile has been wiped from my face a thousand times and just you, you've managed to bring it back. i'm glad we started talking.

letting go isn't that easy.

there will come a day when i won't think, miss or wonder about you anymore but i guess today wont be it.

LIAR!

so, you rung me last night, crying, telling me that you love me and miss me so much and wanted me to come see you. i was shocked to hear you say that but i didn't say anything back. but then i hear you rung up her and told her you love her. seriously, you need to go die in a hole. or at least leave the country.. forever! that really hurts. after everything, you love her? in all honesty, you have some serious problems.

tired of trying.

so, i like you, obviously. and i've been told you like me too. yet, there's no texts, no talking, no looking to or at each other. what am i to do? i text you most days. my friends talk to you, i try talk to you at parties cos i'm shy otherwise but now, i get nothing. people say it's because of my ex but he's not with me anymore. i thought that would help but i guess not. i don't know what i've done but i do like you. and i kinda, sorta, really, maybe,  i dunno, miss you?

fooled.

you were sneaky, conniving and so much more, but worse. you made me believe anything you wanted me to believe. you said all the right words and did all the right things. but at the same time, it was all a lie. a joke to you, as long as you got some you were sweet. to tell you the truth, i think you and her are meant for each other, no matter how much you told me you think we are. you two have gone through just about as much as me and you have. the only thing wrong is that she didn't take your virginity, i did. i wish i didn't, well sometimes anyway. but in a way I'm glad i did. you still haven't felt the pain i have. me and her both have. you're still playing us both but i know for a fact that i am not giving in. there is someone out there that is better for me and will treat me how i deserved to be treated. he may not be around the corner but for now i am okay being alone unlike you who has to have someone on the line to be able to make yourself feel better and make yourself think that you did nothing wrong. i am faithful, i am loyal, i am trustworthy, when you treat me like a princess, like you once did. i don't know who you are anymore. you changed and i don't want to know. when you grow up and move on, i hope you will realise what a good thing we had going and wish you never did anything wrong even though you say you regret it but i can clearly see you don't. i didn't think anyone could be this bad. you're a fucking loser. i hope you die alone you worthless black.

3.1.1997 - 9.5.2011

I miss you so much. I wait for you to appear through the window, I wait for you to run to the door when I get home. I miss hearing you run around the house while I'm trying to go to bed, I miss your cute little voice when you want something. 14 years ago, I never thought this would have ever happened, especially to you. You were the one thing that was meant to live forever :( I never knew this out of all things would have happened to you. Out of every possible thing, it was so hard to watch you in pain and out of control, so hard to see you walk around not knowing what's going on, not having a clue of where you are or what you're doing. I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life. It wasn't supposed to end for you like this. But you're in a better place now, without any pain. You are beautiful Tildy, I'm sure Grandy will be looking after you now. It's his turn. We'll be up there soon enough. I love you Matilda. Kitty Cat :) xoxoxoxox

all alone in this world.

so i'm hated at my school, it's year 13, everyone is supposed to have the time of their lives. so i sit their on the sideline watching everyone have all the fun in the world, making all the memories. i've tried to change so people would like me but i can't keep it up when someone goes wrong in my life. i sit on the side and watch the guy i still happen to love, be involved with a younger girl, be involved with all the people i once called my friends too. i did not want to turn out like this. i realise i am a bitch, i realise i am hated by many people. most of the time i would rather sit in a corner by myself, with only my thoughts because i know no one will abuse me, diss me or cuss me out. but there's nothing i can do about that, i can't control other people. i am one person, i'm not the hottest girl, i'm not the nicest girl or the smartest girl around but i am me. so, if you don't like it, then go sit on a bent one because i am done trying pleasing everyone else in my life other than me.

fuck you.

Whenever you turned on your phone it would say "dont you dare lose her!" whenever you came over you'd leave cute little notes on my laptop and texts on my phone straight after you saw me. i can't believe what happened, you told me you would never physically abuse me, now look at yourself. you kicked me into a wall? that makes me sick, i did nothing to deserve that. i'm glad i'm moving on but at the same time, i'm not because i know i will never get those hugs i want everyday or those kisses i pheen for and love to bits, ever again. someone else will make you happy and you'll be their world and they'll be yours. you'll fall in love again but to be perfectly honest. i don't think i could ever love someone else like this again. i'm sorry it had to be like this. i'm sorry you didn't have to guts to tell me the truth. i'm sorry for our relationship falling to pieces even when i couldn't see it. i love you. i hope you're thinking of me when i think of you.

gene shame hernia.

I AM SPEECHLESS!