dreams are free.

I've dreamt about you for the past few nights. does that mean anything? my dreams sort of scared me. we were together but we weren't. you were different. things happened that never happened within our relationship. the place we were at. the feelings towards each other. one of my dreams was, i wanted you and you, well you wanted me but didn't. you were being the guy i never thought you'd become. the one you promised on our relationship and on everything else, using me for things. you were almost running away. i don't understand. dreams are hard to remember but feelings definitely came back. i don't know what's happening to me. why i can't move on? i honestly never thought i'd have to live without you and watch you with someone else. it's been so long. i guess i've gotten used to everything but i haven't gotten over you. i miss us. i hope you do too.

thank you Soph.

"cause you meant just what he means to you one time. the feelings he had for you will never change. the good thoughts will always be there, the memories.. nothing can change the past. he will never forget what you two had and there will be things that make him think of you daily. a part of him will always love you. if you were both each others first love then noone else, not ----- , not any other girl  will receive the full love from him. he will always have you in his heart." this really opened my eyes. i read it every night. it makes me feel better and think that maybe he's feeling the same. i know how much he hurt me and i shouldn't be thinking about him but i can't help it. the love i had for him was unbelievable. i wish our relationship didn't end how it did. i've accepted it and moved on, i guess i just miss they way you held me and kissed me and told me all those cute things. i suppose they're all for her now. </3

i don't know how to be something you'll miss.

i want you to miss me. i want you to think of me before you go to sleep and when you wake up. i want you to randomly text me. you have moved on but when she dumped you, you came to me. what is that supposed to mean. you told me time and time again that it will always be me. that you'll never stop loving me. but can you really love two people at once? people think i'm over you, i'm not really too sure. i could just be missing the relationship we had. the emotional and physical. the depth of our love. the reason for living. for doing anything was because of you. you've hurt me more than possible, i shouldn't even be talking about you or even thinking about you because you probably don't even care about me. i don't know what to do. i want answers. i need to be told what to do. i need help. i want someone to tell me that i will be okay. someone to be there for me like she was for you. i just need someone to take my mind off of you. </3 i'm still broken.

lost.

i can't live like this any longer. i can't handle the screaming and shouting. the loneliness, the being along. the insecurities. all of it. i can't take it anymore. i need something, i don't know exactly what but something or someone is missing. who knows knows. but i'm lost. that's all i can say.

broken

i sit here crying, by myself. i feel so lonely. so unwanted. i don't wanna be here any more. i don't wanna live. i just want someone to care but no one does. so why should i be here? i see everyone having so much fun while i sit at home alone. all alone. always fucking alone. why doesn't someone want to be with me? not like bf, gf but just be with me. i've never been like this before. i feel like i can't get out. no one will help me. i've been put aside. what do i do.

anyone?

i just want to feel wanted.

get me out.

i can't see myself getting out of this. this lifeless, endless pit of nothing. i don't see my life going anywhere. i don't see me getting happy any time soon. i just want to go away and stay away. it will be better for everyone. no one kills to have me in their life. i'm not a nice and happy person all the time. in fact that's never going to happen. i can't pretend to be happy when i'm not. i don't understand what happened. i don't know why i am like this. i never chose for it to be like this. i want out. if i could leave, i would say yes. save everyone from having me around any longer.

the ugly duckling.

i don't want this anymore. everyone has their own groups. i don't fit in anywhere. i never have. i don't know how to help myself. i sit at home everyday and cry over how my life is going nowhere. how all of the friends i used to have are going on to do better things. i would kill for that. i'm going nowhere. i don't know what to do. i wish someone wanted me in their life.

i miss my old life.

2 years ago today i was at my friends 16th birthday party with one of my best friends. the guy i fell in love with and who had just asked me out the day before wasn't invited so he was with other friends. 2 years ago i had so many friends. today is her 18th and i'm not invited. i have hardly any friends. the guy i still seem to possibly love is with someone else and has all of the friends that were once mine. i miss my life. i wish things never ended up like this. i would have never guessed. everyone hates me. i wanna get out of here. people will soon forget who i am but still, that's better than being hated by people who were once your friends.

that feeling..

have you ever had that feeling when, the one person you really like, walks past you like they never even knew who you were. like you weren't even in their life, even if it was the shortest amount of time? yeah. i get it quite a lot. more frequently. some girl ran up to you and gave you the biggest hug i'd seen someone give anyone. i wished it was me doing that. i hate being jealous. you aren't even mine. i shouldn't care but i do. people tell me that he's the one missing out. but if he is, then why isn't he chasing me?

how can i make it stop

i thought i was done. i thought i was over you. i guess not. the tears that came streaming down my face last night, were because of you. you surprised me. you didn't change for me but you did for her. i thought first loves were always gonna want each other but for the first time, i see you actually don't want me. you're really trying for her like you never did for me. you have something me and you only had for a littlest amount of time. trust. i gotta say, i am jealous. i want the happiness and the love. i miss that. i miss a lot of things. i don't feel like i'm getting stronger, i feel like i'm getting weaker. i still don't understand how this is so easy for you. questions pop into my head all the time. is she keeping your mind of me etc. but i'll never know. i'll never know what you're really thinking and really wanting. it needs to stop. i wanna let go like you did. i need to get away and sort myself out. you've changed me. i don't like it. i can't handle this.

get me through this pain.

i need to get over you. it's so hard. i see you most days. you smile at me, you get my attention, you try and talk to me and it brings back the tiniest of feelings. you have a girlfriend and have had one for about a month. how could you move on so fast. even though we are completely over i still have the littlest bit of hope for us. i don't know why, i know i shouldn't. half the time i don't want to but i guess i just miss you. that smile you have on your face, it used to be because of me. the texting through-out class, was to me. i took so much for granted in our relationship. i'm sorry. i just miss you.

10.07.09

two years ago today my life became a million times better. my heart lit up, my smile went from ear to ear. i don't think i had ever been happier. in fact, i can tell you right now, there has not been any time in my life where i have been happier. you asked me to be your girlfriend. i don't know if i still love you but i know for sure i still like you. it kills me to see you go. i kinda wish we could be together in the future. you made me so happy. letting you go and being by myself really made me appreciate the good memories we had together and throw away the bad. i know that if we started again it would be a fresh start. i'm silly for talking like this. i mean, the amount of times you hurt me but everyone knows you can't just throw away your first love. i miss you.

i want what i can't have.

i want you, i didn't realise i would like you this much.

ignorance at its worst

"he said he didn't fuck you over even tho he knows it seems like that and that he didnt mean for it to happen this way and his intentions were good but he just feels its better to be friends. i think hes gunah facebook email you" facebook email? are you kidding me? is that all i get after everything. i don't have sex with just any person, they have to mean something to me before they even get close but i guess i'm just another one on your list. thanks for ruining me just that little bit more.

one love.

i sit here crying, over you, once again. i hear all the time that, you never lie to the one you love. that you tell them everything no matter how hard. i guess you never loved me. i was so madly in love with you. i was blind. you let me go so easy.

i've reached the bottom.

i'm punching walls, swearing at my parents, going to counselling. i don't know what's happening to me. why am i such a bitch. why do people hate me so much. i just want to feel wanted and to fit in for once.

take me away.

it's a great feeling when i come online and there's a group with my name on it "fuck look at that hamps witch, nan that's chelsea arlidge" and to make it even better, 113 people have liked it. i have never felt so unwanted and not good enough in my entire life. i thought it was over. that people had moved on, but i guess not. i haven't done anything to deserve this. and people wonder why i get mad so easily. i'm probably the most insecure person i know and i hate it. i cry every night. no one gets what it feels like. being hated and feeling lonely constantly. fearing each day but having to go through it anyway. my family thinks i'm just over reacting and to just keep going but no one gets that feeling of hate when you can feel it even by walking past someone or even into a room of people. i hate myself. i hate the way people think of me. people tell you not to change for a person but in cases like this, i feel it's the only way to get out. to  be someone i'm not.

you'll never change.

i keep coming across random pictures of you. i can't help but get upset. you're gone. missing you hurts so much. i can't do anything about it.i have to let it slide. why did you have to come into my life just to fuck me over. you made everyone hate me. i can't go near anyone without you being there. i have to sacrifice so much just to stay away from you. i wanna get away, start over.

ew.

so after the cute texts, the late nights together you chose to tell your mates "fuck the bitch, been there, done that" i heard it. word for word and you have nothing to say. you don't care, you never did. you haven't explained to me. you're a fucking idiot. i wish i i never listened to everyone else when they told me you liked me.

hmm.

i don't think i can take this for much longer. the pain of missing you. knowing you're with someone else. knowing you're making her happy like you did with me. i know i've done the right thing and let you go but i can't help but miss the way you kissed me, texted me and even cried to me about everything. i miss the little things. i wish you cared for me the way i cared for you. the ball was last night. i cried once i got home just because last year you were there and this year you've just disappeared. i don't understand how you can just let me go. after everything you said to me. you were once perfect. what's happened?