Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I've dreamt about you for the past few nights. does that mean anything? my dreams sort of scared me. we were together but we weren't. you were different. things happened that never happened within our relationship. the place we were at. the feelings towards each other. one of my dreams was, i wanted you and you, well you wanted me but didn't. you were being the guy i never thought you'd become. the one you promised on our relationship and on everything else, using me for things. you were almost running away. i don't understand. dreams are hard to remember but feelings definitely came back. i don't know what's happening to me. why i can't move on? i honestly never thought i'd have to live without you and watch you with someone else. it's been so long. i guess i've gotten used to everything but i haven't gotten over you. i miss us. i hope you do too.
"cause you meant just what he means to you one time. the feelings he had for you will never change. the good thoughts will always be there, the memories.. nothing can change the past. he will never forget what you two had and there will be things that make him think of you daily. a part of him will always love you. if you were both each others first love then noone else, not ----- , not any other girl will receive the full love from him. he will always have you in his heart." this really opened my eyes. i read it every night. it makes me feel better and think that maybe he's feeling the same. i know how much he hurt me and i shouldn't be thinking about him but i can't help it. the love i had for him was unbelievable. i wish our relationship didn't end how it did. i've accepted it and moved on, i guess i just miss they way you held me and kissed me and told me all those cute things. i suppose they're all for her now. </3
i want you to miss me. i want you to think of me before you go to sleep and when you wake up. i want you to randomly text me. you have moved on but when she dumped you, you came to me. what is that supposed to mean. you told me time and time again that it will always be me. that you'll never stop loving me. but can you really love two people at once? people think i'm over you, i'm not really too sure. i could just be missing the relationship we had. the emotional and physical. the depth of our love. the reason for living. for doing anything was because of you. you've hurt me more than possible, i shouldn't even be talking about you or even thinking about you because you probably don't even care about me. i don't know what to do. i want answers. i need to be told what to do. i need help. i want someone to tell me that i will be okay. someone to be there for me like she was for you. i just need someone to take my mind off of you. </3 i'm still broken.
Monday, July 18, 2011
i can't live like this any longer. i can't handle the screaming and shouting. the loneliness, the being along. the insecurities. all of it. i can't take it anymore. i need something, i don't know exactly what but something or someone is missing. who knows knows. but i'm lost. that's all i can say.
Friday, July 15, 2011
i sit here crying, by myself. i feel so lonely. so unwanted. i don't wanna be here any more. i don't wanna live. i just want someone to care but no one does. so why should i be here? i see everyone having so much fun while i sit at home alone. all alone. always fucking alone. why doesn't someone want to be with me? not like bf, gf but just be with me. i've never been like this before. i feel like i can't get out. no one will help me. i've been put aside. what do i do.
i can't see myself getting out of this. this lifeless, endless pit of nothing. i don't see my life going anywhere. i don't see me getting happy any time soon. i just want to go away and stay away. it will be better for everyone. no one kills to have me in their life. i'm not a nice and happy person all the time. in fact that's never going to happen. i can't pretend to be happy when i'm not. i don't understand what happened. i don't know why i am like this. i never chose for it to be like this. i want out. if i could leave, i would say yes. save everyone from having me around any longer.
i don't want this anymore. everyone has their own groups. i don't fit in anywhere. i never have. i don't know how to help myself. i sit at home everyday and cry over how my life is going nowhere. how all of the friends i used to have are going on to do better things. i would kill for that. i'm going nowhere. i don't know what to do. i wish someone wanted me in their life.