betrayed

it's funny looking back and realising who you thought were your close friends and who aren't. finding out what people are willing to hurt you even when they said they couldn't. there's reasons why i forgive some people but for the others, there's just no acception. it's not fair having to loose your friends over one silly person, but now it's just getting annoying. when it happens now there's just no friendship left no matter what, i just can't deal with the drama anymore. trying to get someone out of my life, that means having to get rid of everything that may bring up the past and the hurt that person gave you. tbh, i feel like i have no real friends anymore just because of the amount of times this has gone on. too far, not fair.

you're just a vacant memory.

i find myself talking about you without realising. i need to stop. i want to let go but i just don't know how. i don't want you or anything like that it's just, i still don't get what's going on, why things have happened the way they have. you're a real fucking unit. i just want you out of my life. i want my old life back. i want my friends back. because of you i lost everything. fuck you. please, just get out of my life. i hate you. ugh.

who knows.

i still feel as if i can't put my emotions down to words, i feel as if i have to act out how i want even though no one notices me. i feel as if everyone only wants to see the angry side of me so even if i did one thing nice, there would be no acknowledgement, just judgement from the bad things. i'm sick of being alone and the constant feeling of worrying if i'll end up all alone. i used to have such high hopes for myself, maybe a little bitchy but that didn't stop me from being happy. now i only feel lucky if someone looks at me and maybe smiles. i'm sick of feeling this way. the truth is.. i don't wanna leave school because i feel as if i do then i'll just drift away because it's not like iv'e been apart of a group, i've never fitted in anywhere. it's just hard. i want to feel like i'll be remembered or wanted by others. i feel as if no one will want me in their lives anymore, not that i really have been this year because so much shit has gone down. just, losing everything really starts getting to you.

dreams are free.

I've dreamt about you for the past few nights. does that mean anything? my dreams sort of scared me. we were together but we weren't. you were different. things happened that never happened within our relationship. the place we were at. the feelings towards each other. one of my dreams was, i wanted you and you, well you wanted me but didn't. you were being the guy i never thought you'd become. the one you promised on our relationship and on everything else, using me for things. you were almost running away. i don't understand. dreams are hard to remember but feelings definitely came back. i don't know what's happening to me. why i can't move on? i honestly never thought i'd have to live without you and watch you with someone else. it's been so long. i guess i've gotten used to everything but i haven't gotten over you. i miss us. i hope you do too.

thank you Soph.

"cause you meant just what he means to you one time. the feelings he had for you will never change. the good thoughts will always be there, the memories.. nothing can change the past. he will never forget what you two had and there will be things that make him think of you daily. a part of him will always love you. if you were both each others first love then noone else, not ----- , not any other girl  will receive the full love from him. he will always have you in his heart." this really opened my eyes. i read it every night. it makes me feel better and think that maybe he's feeling the same. i know how much he hurt me and i shouldn't be thinking about him but i can't help it. the love i had for him was unbelievable. i wish our relationship didn't end how it did. i've accepted it and moved on, i guess i just miss they way you held me and kissed me and told me all those cute things. i suppose they're all for her now. </3

i don't know how to be something you'll miss.

i want you to miss me. i want you to think of me before you go to sleep and when you wake up. i want you to randomly text me. you have moved on but when she dumped you, you came to me. what is that supposed to mean. you told me time and time again that it will always be me. that you'll never stop loving me. but can you really love two people at once? people think i'm over you, i'm not really too sure. i could just be missing the relationship we had. the emotional and physical. the depth of our love. the reason for living. for doing anything was because of you. you've hurt me more than possible, i shouldn't even be talking about you or even thinking about you because you probably don't even care about me. i don't know what to do. i want answers. i need to be told what to do. i need help. i want someone to tell me that i will be okay. someone to be there for me like she was for you. i just need someone to take my mind off of you. </3 i'm still broken.

lost.

i can't live like this any longer. i can't handle the screaming and shouting. the loneliness, the being along. the insecurities. all of it. i can't take it anymore. i need something, i don't know exactly what but something or someone is missing. who knows knows. but i'm lost. that's all i can say.