Lost friend.

I think every now and then i should talk to you, make piece. You were the only person who i was able to go to about everything and knew exactly what to say. You were literally the only person that didn't judge me. You were so similar to me, it was almost scary. You were my best friend. I miss those days of not being judged because now i have no one, well, i haven't had anyone for a long long time which you probably know. Last year was the worst year for me, everything turned to shit and i wished i coulda gone to you but i couldn't. I don't think i could ever forgive you for what you did to me the night before you left, or whenever you left. I can't remember but it put me in tears. No friend does that. Just know i still think about you from time to time, i just don't have the guts to talk to you again.. Well not right now anyway. Miss our talks.

fuck life.

after being with you you really made me think that i'm not good enough for anyone and i can't be the same person i used to be. you made me believe all of that and i still do. each time i think i'm over it and going to go back to how i used to be, i freeze up, i get nervous and i just remember how you made me feel and i just think to myself, he's right, i'm not good enough, i'm not pretty enough, i'm not young enough. you really got that to stick in my mind. no matter how many people tell me i'm beautiful, i'm worth it, i still wont believe it. it's just something about your first love that gets to you i guess.

put it in the past.

you're still on my mind half the time. i don't want you to be there but you are and i can't get you out. you're messing with my mind again and i'm not letting you. not this summer. this is my summer to be free from people like you, to make better memories and to let go and move on. not to find someone but to hopefully come across someone who wants to be with me and doesn't make me feel like i'm constantly not good enough and the only way he would tell me that is by hurting me. not this time. no time like the present ♥

betrayed

it's funny looking back and realising who you thought were your close friends and who aren't. finding out what people are willing to hurt you even when they said they couldn't. there's reasons why i forgive some people but for the others, there's just no acception. it's not fair having to loose your friends over one silly person, but now it's just getting annoying. when it happens now there's just no friendship left no matter what, i just can't deal with the drama anymore. trying to get someone out of my life, that means having to get rid of everything that may bring up the past and the hurt that person gave you. tbh, i feel like i have no real friends anymore just because of the amount of times this has gone on. too far, not fair.

you're just a vacant memory.

i find myself talking about you without realising. i need to stop. i want to let go but i just don't know how. i don't want you or anything like that it's just, i still don't get what's going on, why things have happened the way they have. you're a real fucking unit. i just want you out of my life. i want my old life back. i want my friends back. because of you i lost everything. fuck you. please, just get out of my life. i hate you. ugh.

who knows.

i still feel as if i can't put my emotions down to words, i feel as if i have to act out how i want even though no one notices me. i feel as if everyone only wants to see the angry side of me so even if i did one thing nice, there would be no acknowledgement, just judgement from the bad things. i'm sick of being alone and the constant feeling of worrying if i'll end up all alone. i used to have such high hopes for myself, maybe a little bitchy but that didn't stop me from being happy. now i only feel lucky if someone looks at me and maybe smiles. i'm sick of feeling this way. the truth is.. i don't wanna leave school because i feel as if i do then i'll just drift away because it's not like iv'e been apart of a group, i've never fitted in anywhere. it's just hard. i want to feel like i'll be remembered or wanted by others. i feel as if no one will want me in their lives anymore, not that i really have been this year because so much shit has gone down. just, losing everything really starts getting to you.

dreams are free.

I've dreamt about you for the past few nights. does that mean anything? my dreams sort of scared me. we were together but we weren't. you were different. things happened that never happened within our relationship. the place we were at. the feelings towards each other. one of my dreams was, i wanted you and you, well you wanted me but didn't. you were being the guy i never thought you'd become. the one you promised on our relationship and on everything else, using me for things. you were almost running away. i don't understand. dreams are hard to remember but feelings definitely came back. i don't know what's happening to me. why i can't move on? i honestly never thought i'd have to live without you and watch you with someone else. it's been so long. i guess i've gotten used to everything but i haven't gotten over you. i miss us. i hope you do too.

thank you Soph.

"cause you meant just what he means to you one time. the feelings he had for you will never change. the good thoughts will always be there, the memories.. nothing can change the past. he will never forget what you two had and there will be things that make him think of you daily. a part of him will always love you. if you were both each others first love then noone else, not ----- , not any other girl  will receive the full love from him. he will always have you in his heart." this really opened my eyes. i read it every night. it makes me feel better and think that maybe he's feeling the same. i know how much he hurt me and i shouldn't be thinking about him but i can't help it. the love i had for him was unbelievable. i wish our relationship didn't end how it did. i've accepted it and moved on, i guess i just miss they way you held me and kissed me and told me all those cute things. i suppose they're all for her now. </3

i don't know how to be something you'll miss.

i want you to miss me. i want you to think of me before you go to sleep and when you wake up. i want you to randomly text me. you have moved on but when she dumped you, you came to me. what is that supposed to mean. you told me time and time again that it will always be me. that you'll never stop loving me. but can you really love two people at once? people think i'm over you, i'm not really too sure. i could just be missing the relationship we had. the emotional and physical. the depth of our love. the reason for living. for doing anything was because of you. you've hurt me more than possible, i shouldn't even be talking about you or even thinking about you because you probably don't even care about me. i don't know what to do. i want answers. i need to be told what to do. i need help. i want someone to tell me that i will be okay. someone to be there for me like she was for you. i just need someone to take my mind off of you. </3 i'm still broken.

lost.

i can't live like this any longer. i can't handle the screaming and shouting. the loneliness, the being along. the insecurities. all of it. i can't take it anymore. i need something, i don't know exactly what but something or someone is missing. who knows knows. but i'm lost. that's all i can say.

broken

i sit here crying, by myself. i feel so lonely. so unwanted. i don't wanna be here any more. i don't wanna live. i just want someone to care but no one does. so why should i be here? i see everyone having so much fun while i sit at home alone. all alone. always fucking alone. why doesn't someone want to be with me? not like bf, gf but just be with me. i've never been like this before. i feel like i can't get out. no one will help me. i've been put aside. what do i do.

anyone?

i just want to feel wanted.

get me out.

i can't see myself getting out of this. this lifeless, endless pit of nothing. i don't see my life going anywhere. i don't see me getting happy any time soon. i just want to go away and stay away. it will be better for everyone. no one kills to have me in their life. i'm not a nice and happy person all the time. in fact that's never going to happen. i can't pretend to be happy when i'm not. i don't understand what happened. i don't know why i am like this. i never chose for it to be like this. i want out. if i could leave, i would say yes. save everyone from having me around any longer.

the ugly duckling.

i don't want this anymore. everyone has their own groups. i don't fit in anywhere. i never have. i don't know how to help myself. i sit at home everyday and cry over how my life is going nowhere. how all of the friends i used to have are going on to do better things. i would kill for that. i'm going nowhere. i don't know what to do. i wish someone wanted me in their life.

i miss my old life.

2 years ago today i was at my friends 16th birthday party with one of my best friends. the guy i fell in love with and who had just asked me out the day before wasn't invited so he was with other friends. 2 years ago i had so many friends. today is her 18th and i'm not invited. i have hardly any friends. the guy i still seem to possibly love is with someone else and has all of the friends that were once mine. i miss my life. i wish things never ended up like this. i would have never guessed. everyone hates me. i wanna get out of here. people will soon forget who i am but still, that's better than being hated by people who were once your friends.

that feeling..

have you ever had that feeling when, the one person you really like, walks past you like they never even knew who you were. like you weren't even in their life, even if it was the shortest amount of time? yeah. i get it quite a lot. more frequently. some girl ran up to you and gave you the biggest hug i'd seen someone give anyone. i wished it was me doing that. i hate being jealous. you aren't even mine. i shouldn't care but i do. people tell me that he's the one missing out. but if he is, then why isn't he chasing me?

how can i make it stop

i thought i was done. i thought i was over you. i guess not. the tears that came streaming down my face last night, were because of you. you surprised me. you didn't change for me but you did for her. i thought first loves were always gonna want each other but for the first time, i see you actually don't want me. you're really trying for her like you never did for me. you have something me and you only had for a littlest amount of time. trust. i gotta say, i am jealous. i want the happiness and the love. i miss that. i miss a lot of things. i don't feel like i'm getting stronger, i feel like i'm getting weaker. i still don't understand how this is so easy for you. questions pop into my head all the time. is she keeping your mind of me etc. but i'll never know. i'll never know what you're really thinking and really wanting. it needs to stop. i wanna let go like you did. i need to get away and sort myself out. you've changed me. i don't like it. i can't handle this.

get me through this pain.

i need to get over you. it's so hard. i see you most days. you smile at me, you get my attention, you try and talk to me and it brings back the tiniest of feelings. you have a girlfriend and have had one for about a month. how could you move on so fast. even though we are completely over i still have the littlest bit of hope for us. i don't know why, i know i shouldn't. half the time i don't want to but i guess i just miss you. that smile you have on your face, it used to be because of me. the texting through-out class, was to me. i took so much for granted in our relationship. i'm sorry. i just miss you.

10.07.09

two years ago today my life became a million times better. my heart lit up, my smile went from ear to ear. i don't think i had ever been happier. in fact, i can tell you right now, there has not been any time in my life where i have been happier. you asked me to be your girlfriend. i don't know if i still love you but i know for sure i still like you. it kills me to see you go. i kinda wish we could be together in the future. you made me so happy. letting you go and being by myself really made me appreciate the good memories we had together and throw away the bad. i know that if we started again it would be a fresh start. i'm silly for talking like this. i mean, the amount of times you hurt me but everyone knows you can't just throw away your first love. i miss you.

i want what i can't have.

i want you, i didn't realise i would like you this much.