Lost friend.

I think every now and then i should talk to you, make piece. You were the only person who i was able to go to about everything and knew exactly what to say. You were literally the only person that didn't judge me. You were so similar to me, it was almost scary. You were my best friend. I miss those days of not being judged because now i have no one, well, i haven't had anyone for a long long time which you probably know. Last year was the worst year for me, everything turned to shit and i wished i coulda gone to you but i couldn't. I don't think i could ever forgive you for what you did to me the night before you left, or whenever you left. I can't remember but it put me in tears. No friend does that. Just know i still think about you from time to time, i just don't have the guts to talk to you again.. Well not right now anyway. Miss our talks.

fuck life.

after being with you you really made me think that i'm not good enough for anyone and i can't be the same person i used to be. you made me believe all of that and i still do. each time i think i'm over it and going to go back to how i used to be, i freeze up, i get nervous and i just remember how you made me feel and i just think to myself, he's right, i'm not good enough, i'm not pretty enough, i'm not young enough. you really got that to stick in my mind. no matter how many people tell me i'm beautiful, i'm worth it, i still wont believe it. it's just something about your first love that gets to you i guess.

put it in the past.

you're still on my mind half the time. i don't want you to be there but you are and i can't get you out. you're messing with my mind again and i'm not letting you. not this summer. this is my summer to be free from people like you, to make better memories and to let go and move on. not to find someone but to hopefully come across someone who wants to be with me and doesn't make me feel like i'm constantly not good enough and the only way he would tell me that is by hurting me. not this time. no time like the present ♥

betrayed

it's funny looking back and realising who you thought were your close friends and who aren't. finding out what people are willing to hurt you even when they said they couldn't. there's reasons why i forgive some people but for the others, there's just no acception. it's not fair having to loose your friends over one silly person, but now it's just getting annoying. when it happens now there's just no friendship left no matter what, i just can't deal with the drama anymore. trying to get someone out of my life, that means having to get rid of everything that may bring up the past and the hurt that person gave you. tbh, i feel like i have no real friends anymore just because of the amount of times this has gone on. too far, not fair.

you're just a vacant memory.

i find myself talking about you without realising. i need to stop. i want to let go but i just don't know how. i don't want you or anything like that it's just, i still don't get what's going on, why things have happened the way they have. you're a real fucking unit. i just want you out of my life. i want my old life back. i want my friends back. because of you i lost everything. fuck you. please, just get out of my life. i hate you. ugh.

who knows.

i still feel as if i can't put my emotions down to words, i feel as if i have to act out how i want even though no one notices me. i feel as if everyone only wants to see the angry side of me so even if i did one thing nice, there would be no acknowledgement, just judgement from the bad things. i'm sick of being alone and the constant feeling of worrying if i'll end up all alone. i used to have such high hopes for myself, maybe a little bitchy but that didn't stop me from being happy. now i only feel lucky if someone looks at me and maybe smiles. i'm sick of feeling this way. the truth is.. i don't wanna leave school because i feel as if i do then i'll just drift away because it's not like iv'e been apart of a group, i've never fitted in anywhere. it's just hard. i want to feel like i'll be remembered or wanted by others. i feel as if no one will want me in their lives anymore, not that i really have been this year because so much shit has gone down. just, losing everything really starts getting to you.

dreams are free.

I've dreamt about you for the past few nights. does that mean anything? my dreams sort of scared me. we were together but we weren't. you were different. things happened that never happened within our relationship. the place we were at. the feelings towards each other. one of my dreams was, i wanted you and you, well you wanted me but didn't. you were being the guy i never thought you'd become. the one you promised on our relationship and on everything else, using me for things. you were almost running away. i don't understand. dreams are hard to remember but feelings definitely came back. i don't know what's happening to me. why i can't move on? i honestly never thought i'd have to live without you and watch you with someone else. it's been so long. i guess i've gotten used to everything but i haven't gotten over you. i miss us. i hope you do too.